第104章

  手掌缓缓向下移动，这时，金秀娜出于本能，紧张羞涩地抓住了顾洛意的手。突然的打断像是一声鸣笛，顾洛意瞬间清醒过来，她看着金秀娜，脑中浮现出林舒凌的样子。林舒凌太强大了，即使分开了两年多，顾洛意也还是会觉得，和别人发生关系是对她的一种背叛。
  顾洛意收回了手，坐了起来。金秀娜看到顾洛意眼里的热情逐渐消失，也跟着坐了起来。她不知道该说什么，也许是不知道该怎么说，这样的英语在脑中到底还是存货太少。
  金秀娜：“i... i don't ...”
  顾洛意：“i'm sorry.”
  金秀娜：“don't! hey, look at me, i didn't reject you. i just... it's my first time with a girl, i don't know how to be good enough to make you feel good.”
  “honey, ”顾洛意看着金秀娜一脸的懊悔，恢复了该有的冷静，微笑着牵住金秀娜的手，温柔地说，“i know, i know. i know all you said.”
  金秀娜：“i'm sorry, could we？”
  顾洛意：“don't say sorry…”
  金秀娜：“let's go on. i promise i won't do anything wrong...”
  顾洛意：“no, no, listen to me...”
  金秀娜：“you listen to me. i am really sorry. i don't mean it. i just feel nervous a little...”
  顾洛意：“hey, relax. you don't have to say sorry. it is not your fault. it's my fault. you must believe me and forgive me. it is my fault really. i stopped it not because what you did. i stopped it because i realize if i do it with you, i will lose you forever, but i don't wanna lose you. you are so important to me. i should be responsible for you, for us. ”
  金秀娜：“you won't lose me...”
  顾洛意：“i will, and you will lose me, too. do you want to lose me？ it is so unworthy for just one night, and giving up the rest of our lives. i want you are always on my side. i want every time you think of me, you can give me a call, and we could chat from the midnight to the morning. i want when you come to china or i come to korea, we can be the first person for each other to visit. i want we can keep our closeness. but if we do it, things will be different. if we don’t get together, there is only embarrassment left between us. those good memories about us will be faded away and all we can remember is that night. and we can't be friends anymore. so, one night for the rest of our lives, it's a so damn good deal, don’t you think so”
  “……you, you always have things to say.” 金秀娜语言中还略带着遗憾和嗔怪，但更多的是一种理解和释然。她懂得，两个人在一起的可能性真的是太小，而且顾洛意说得很对，她们会为这一晚付出惨重的代价。不知道她听没听过中国有句老话叫，有缘无份。
  顾洛意：“don't you want it？don't you want what i said？”
  金秀娜：“i, i want it, sure i want it. i want both, but if i can only choose one, i will choose more than one night.”
  顾洛意：“it is so hard，so hard to say no to you, but i have to. and i know you are the same with me.”
  金秀娜：“are you still in love with that lin？”
  顾洛意：“i don’t know.”
  金秀娜：“have you seen her before you came to here？”
  顾洛意：“no，i haven’t seen her for like almost half a year i guess……”
  金秀娜：“do you miss her？”
  “i don’t know.”顾洛意安静下来。林舒凌……她们还会再见面吗？也许会，也许再次见到林舒凌的时候，她已经是“某太太”了。
  沉默了一会，金秀娜道：“so what are we gonna do tonight”
  顾洛意：“sleep. just sleep. speaking makes me feel tired.”
  金秀娜：“what am i gonna do”
  顾洛意：“you can stay and sleep with me or you can go to your room. but i want you to stay here, would you”
  金秀娜：“ok, i'll, if you insist.”
  顾洛意：“i insist.”
  金秀娜：“then i’ll stay.”
  顾洛意和金秀娜合好衣襟，并排躺下。房间安静下来，顾洛意开口想要说点什么，一抬头，磕到了金秀娜的下巴，疼得金秀娜龇牙咧嘴。顾洛意反而笑得很放肆，一边笑还一边说：“that is why we can't do it. you are so much taller than me. ”
  金秀娜看着顾洛意的笑，这才是她发自内心的笑。虽然没能如她想象那般的亲密，但是，因为自己，顾洛意能够开怀地笑出来，金秀娜也不由得开心笑了起来，笑中还带着另一种满足，那种满足，来源于她在顾洛意生命中“尊贵”且独一无二的身份。
  第55章
  如今，她是一个没有“栖息地”的人。那些坚持，那些努力，那些感情，那些精神寄托，全都被打上了“曾经”的标签。那是一种突然清醒过来，发现自己被掏空了的感觉。没有了负重，就没有了前行的动力。以前以为，只要有钱，无所事事也无所谓，反正时间都是用来浪费的。可真到了这个时候，难免会发现，在匆忙的人流中，自己停下的脚步显得多么格格不入。
  从金秀娜身边离开回到哈尔滨的这段时间，顾洛意都是这样过的。每天，她早早醒来，换上衣服，到家附近的公园走走坐坐，看着老人在舒缓的音乐中晨练，看着小学生叽叽喳喳地上校车，看着下了早自习的中学生挤到早餐铺，吃得正香，看着上班族在路上匆匆忙忙。
  一个早上就这么多的精彩，而她却辜负了这美好的晨光。
  停在一个十字路口，顾洛意没有往家的方向走。因为早上没有吃饭，她突然有些低血糖了。缓了一会，她站在路口望了望，选择了一个全是餐馆的街道。顾洛意晃晃悠悠地走过去，走着走着，来到了一个面馆跟前。这个面馆，招牌已经很旧了。不知道是不是招牌旧了的原因，顾洛意眼睛模糊了。
  她站在门口喘了几口气，才推开门进去。整个面馆，透着安静的黑暗。顾洛意走到她之前为林舒凌专门包下的那张桌子，伸手轻轻抚了抚桌沿……
  “你要吃什么？”黑暗处，一个声音传出来。
  顾洛意礼貌地问道：“鸳鸯细面能做吗？”
  说话人站起来，是一个大腹便便的中年男子。他灭掉手里的烟，说道：“慢，得等。”
  “我不着急。”顾洛意惨淡的嘴唇微微动着，可她明明刚才低血糖都有些晕了。
  男人换上厨师的服装，没再多说话，转身进了厨房。
  顾洛意安安静静地坐在林舒凌的“专属”座位上，没有回忆也没有感伤，反而有些淡淡的微笑。
  半个小时的安静等待，换来了一大碗面。顾洛意觉得比以前的碗大了很多，很怕吃不完浪费掉。厨师似乎看出来顾洛意的顾虑，回到黑暗处坐下，重新点起刚才灭掉的那半截烟。吐了个烟圈，道：“吃不完可以打包。”
  顾洛意笑着说谢谢。尝了一口面，像是咬了一口回忆。
  一边吃，一边和厨师聊上几句。顾洛意得知，原来，这位，不仅仅是厨师，还是老板。这几年，面馆的客人越来越少，每日的收益已经不能够维持日常的成本了。今天，是店面到期的最后一天。待会房东就要过来收房子了。这碗面，是面馆的招牌面，也是老板的绝活。本来是老板留给自己的，没想到，顾洛意专门点了这个面。但凡顾洛意点任何另一种食物，老板都会回答“做不了”。
  “老板，我有个朋友非常喜欢吃您的这个鸳鸯细面，您……能不能教教我？”
  老板什么话都没说，从烟盒里面撕下一贴包装纸，开始在上面写字。写好后，走到顾洛意桌边，仔细一看，嘴角处夹着的烟随着肌肉的抽动，抖了抖。
  “大明星啊！”
  顾洛意干干巴巴地笑了两声。
  “你想做这个面？”
  “嗯。”顾洛意点点头道，“我想做给，自己吃。”说完，顾洛意有些哽咽，“该死！我的人生和你无关，我的习惯却总和你有关”。
  老板吐了口烟，转身回到桌边，放下烟蒂，拿起笔，重新在纸条上写了几笔，再次递给顾洛意的时候说道：“和面很重要。和面就是一种生活。”
  林舒凌在台湾，魂不守舍，她的心留在北京，始终都留在北京。好像只要她在北京，就多一丝找到顾洛意的希望。终于她拒绝了所有的劝说，再次动身，带着阿冰，带上那本厚重的成语词典去了北京。
  整个飞行途中，阿冰看着林舒凌一页一页认认真真地从书签夹住的位置往后翻字典。字典的边都有些发黑了，难以想象这段时间林舒凌是来来回回地翻了多少遍。
  下了飞机，阿冰伸手想要帮林舒凌拿字典，却被林舒凌拒绝了，反而把字典又更紧地抱在了怀里。
  倩倩在机场接到林舒凌和阿冰，就径直返回了顾洛意北京的家。
  倩倩：“舒凌姐，阿冰就和我一起住吧。”
  “也好。”喘了喘，林舒凌又问道，“倩倩，你真的不知道她在哪吗？”
  “我真的不知道。我再给她发消息就没人回了，打电话也没人接听了。”